Sailing Through Life's Storms: Dr. Maureen's Tale of Parenting, Healing, and Emotional Courage | Season 3 Episode 324

When faced with the tempestuous seas of life, where do you find your anchor? I found mine through heartfelt conversations, like the one in our latest episode with Dr. Maureen, a physician and mother with a story that reaches into the soul. She courageously transforms her own trials into a lifeline for others, and together we wade through the emotional intricacies of parenting a child with chronic illness. As I reveal my own skirmishes with cancer, we underscore the power of mindset and the complexities of balancing truth with the preservation of childhood innocence.

Our journey doesn't stop at the shoreline of diagnosis and personal battle; it ventures into the deeper waters of grief, trauma, and societal myths that shape our experience of the world. The emotional odyssey continues as we dissect the mire of regret, the necessity for candid dialogue with our children, and the realization that each of us grieves in our own unscripted way. Dr. Maureen and I consider the delicate tapestry of our beliefs and how, much like mastering an instrument, they can be reshaped with intention and practice.

In the harbor of our concluding thoughts, we reflect on sharing our narratives as a form of healing. My upcoming book "Healing Unanonymously" represents just one vessel in this pursuit, aiming to embrace and empower through the act of storytelling. It's a chapter that celebrates progress, from the acknowledgment of needing help to the proactive embrace of therapy and coaching, all while recognizing the beauty in everyone's unique path toward emotional wellness. As we wrap up our time together, we leave our listeners with an invitation to confront the tough emotions and embrace self-care, not only for our own sake but also for those we hold dear in this voyage called life.

#SailingThroughLife #ParentingJourney #EmotionalCourage #HealingConversations #DrMaureen #ParentingChallenges #MindsetMatters #ChronicIllnessAwareness #CancerSurvivor #GriefAndHealing #TraumaRecovery #SocietalMyths #ChildhoodInnocence #HealingUnanonymously #EmotionalWellness #TherapyAndCoaching #StorytellingHeals #SelfCareEssentials #LifeVoyage #PodcastEpisode #TheseFukkenFeelingsPodcast #TraumaIsExpensive

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:02

You don't have to be positive all the time. It's perfectly okay to feel sad, angry, annoyed, frustrated, scared and anxious. Having feelings doesn't make you a negative person. It doesn't even make you weak. It makes you human and we are here to talk through it all. We welcome you to these Fucking Feelings Podcast, A safe space for all who needs it. Grab a drink and take a seat. The session begins now.

Speaker 2: 0:31

What is up, my beautiful people, welcome to these fucking feelings podcast. I am Micah, got producer Crystal over there with me and we are on today with Dr Maureen. Am I saying your name? Right? You are, I have an Aunt Maureen. Shout out Aunt Maureen. But it's funny. You're like the second Maureen I've ever known, right.

Speaker 4: 0:58

It's not a very common name, so hats off to all the Maureens out there that are listening.

Speaker 2: 1:04

Yeah, all right yeah, all right, yeah, you know what? Send us an email.

Speaker 4: 1:09

Send them in All the Maureens Listen up, maureens.

Speaker 2: 1:13

Yes, so, but before we get started, one thing that we like to do here is we like to get our guests to introduce themselves, for two reasons I feel like no one can tell your story better than you. And number two, I'm dyslexic and I'm going to mess up something. It's both the drama. Go ahead and introduce yourself.

Speaker 4: 1:56

Awesome. I appreciate the opportunity to a daughter who has chronic health issues. She had pediatric neuroblastoma as an infant, which is a type of pediatric cancer Thought we were out of the woods for that, and then, when she was 12, I got to be the physician to diagnose her with type 1 diabetes. But I am here because I firmly believe that challenges that we face in our lives can either be obstacles or gifts. We have intentionally chosen to have the challenges that she faced in her life that impacted our family really turn into a gift, and now I focus on helping moms and parents of chronically ill kids so that they don't have to go through as rough of a journey as I went through as a mom.

Speaker 2: 3:05

Wow, you know what? I wish I had you with me on Friday, because I ran into, I actually. So we have another podcast. Trauma is Expensive and I talked about it a little bit on today's episode, but it was because I ran into. I was at an oncology office, so I'm actually just finishing my round of chemo. I, too, am a cancer survivor. I'm going to say it's in remission now. That's right, Awesome, Right it is so I mean, I don't know for sure, but it is okay.

Speaker 4: 3:33

It is, it is. It's all about mindset, so it is Right.

Speaker 2: 3:36

Yeah, I'm at the oncology office and she's having trouble with her son, and so it was like my chair, like a little space, and then it was another chair, so she made him sit on the floor, like in between us. You know, like, just sit down, like she's going to do nothing with him. You know, I'm like sit your ass down. I was like, oh snap, right. So, and now I'm like I don't want to look at him because he just got yelled at. But you know, I'm curious, like you know, I just want to see, Does he look like a badass? No, he turns to me and the first thing he says is I hate my mother, I hate my mother. And I'm like, oh my God, okay, he's talking to me. What the hell do you say to this, right? So I look over at his mom and she's looking at me and I'm like I'm sorry that he said it, you know.

Speaker 2: 4:32

But uh, well, comes to find out he actually was autistic, which I guess is a. It was a big lesson for me for thinking that you can see someone who was autistic I didn't know, looking at him. So I was like, okay, life handing out lessons, um. But the other part was that her. His mom had breast cancer and he knew a lot about it. He knew that she had it and he knew that she was about to get both of her breasts you know, as he says chopped off and she didn't tell him. It's things that he overheard.

Speaker 2: 4:56

He felt like she didn't love him and that's why she wasn't telling him and he was talking and talking and talking to me and I was like he's actually the one that told me he was autistic and how he gets bullied in school. It turned into like a I don't know what to do right now moment. You know, like this isn't somebody, I know it's somebody's like child. It got to the point where he wanted to finish the conversation. She went to the back to see the doctor and he was like I'm staying here. I was like trust, I don't want kids, so you don't got to worry about me taking yours. I promise you'll be right here. You're going to be right here when you get back. But you know, I started a conversation about telling kids the truth, or always telling kids the truth. You know, I think it's important. I felt like he knew because he overheard it. He had been living with it for so long and the thing that amazed me is that he was seven years old and he's like I just want to help. How can I help if you don't talk to me? And I'm like okay, like you need to go out here and teach some of these men these lessons, you know? But it was.

Speaker 2: 6:02

What is your take on that Like, do you agree that? You know, I feel like the mom should have told him when she first got diagnosed. Now I'm going to say my disclaimer. I'm saying this as a person who don't have kids. Right, I don't have any kids. I don't know what it's like to have kids. I feel like I raised a lot of kids in my life, but they still weren't mine, you know. Yeah, so I'm speaking, it's my opinion as a non-parent. But I feel like the mom should have had a conversation with him, especially because he knew and I think a lot of his anger was coming from the fact that she you know, I'm with you at the doctor's office Like, come on, chick, something's going on, you know? Like, talk to me.

Speaker 4: 6:39

Yeah. So I will say a couple things. First, I'm going to bust on you because I hate should statements, when you say like she should have told him. And the reason that I hate should statements is because when we say them about ourselves, we create feelings of shame and guilt and regret, like you cannot change the past, you can't. You can learn from it and move on and do things differently, but you can't change that.

Speaker 4: 7:16

What should I have said? But the second thing that I will say about the whole situation? The second thing that I will say about the whole situation that child brought up a very important point that we try to keep them in a bubble, thinking that choosing not to discuss a medical situation, or whether it be ours or theirs, or choosing not to discuss feelings, is protecting them. Really. It actually does not allow them to learn about life and learn how to manage their own emotions in the future. Because you know what Life is a challenge, regardless of what challenge you're facing, whether it be a health challenge or a financial challenge or a career challenge.

Speaker 4: 8:24

Like life is full of challenges and figuring out how to manage the emotional aspects of those challenges so that we're not curled up in a ball in a corner, just waiting for life to like stop, life to like stop, that we're really learning from those challenges and growing rather than being curled up and realizing you know what? Like life doesn't happen to us, it happens for us. Getting out of that victim mentality is so important when you're facing big things in life.

Speaker 2: 9:08

Okay, I have another question, right, and this one might be a little simple, right, because you know, this being in this little boy was kind of life changing for me. Just number one, he was just so articulate. Number two like I said, he was autistic and I don't know why I felt like I should have known that he was autistic. Once again, it was my ignorance, but it just showed me you never really know, like I always say, you never know what a person is going through, but it's like he showed me that you just never really know, right. Yeah, but it just had me thinking and I think about like Santa Claus and like the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy, and I feel like these things are so traumatizing.

Speaker 2: 9:46

You grow up and your parents tell you these exist and then you learn. To me it's like the whole God concept, right? Okay, I'm going to say that because it's like I hate that. You know there's a paradise out there. You know people say there's a paradise, you die and you go to paradise. But it's like now I have to witness somebody dying and that causes trauma in me and I feel like it's really cruel of you, god, to sit here and talk about you're going to reconnect me later and now my life is destroyed. Now I kind of feel that way about like the Santa Claus and Easter Bunny and you know, just like some things I wish. Like you know, santa Claus hurt me when I found out he won't reel and they won't do all.

Speaker 2: 10:25

L's Like I was. I'm still feeling it right now. You know what I'm saying Like I don't even celebrate Christmas, no more, you know.

Speaker 4: 10:30

It's very funny you bring this up because just this past weekend I said you know, I think the Easter Bunny like having adults dress up in an Easter Bunny costume, as a child is like the scariest thing that a Santa Claus seeing Santa going to get your picture taken with Santa, like I get it.

Speaker 4: 10:54

But the Easter Bunny, like what is that about? Um, the, the. I will say on on your point about like somebody passes away and traumatizes you. Like there is, you being traumatized is actually you going through a grieving process, obviously, but there's such a beauty in that, because I think that not being traumatized by the loss of somebody really is telling us they weren't that important to us.

Speaker 2: 11:38

Don't say that, don't do that. My dad died. It's going to be three years and I don't mourn him and I promise you I love him to death, right, yeah, but I don't. I don't mourn him, I don't. You know, I talk to my brothers and family and I feel like, okay, when the beginning, yes, I cried when he passed away. Yes, I cried. You know, when I'm touching his lifeless hand, yes, yes, I cried, but after that moment I haven't cried yet. But I still carry him with me in everything I do, right, and that's okay. Be like, I talk to my brothers and they'll randomly text me. Sorry, I didn't mean to cut you off, but they randomly text me and they're like I missed that. Or they'll send me pictures of his favorite potato chips, or they'll do this and they do that, and I'm like, wow, my brother's still going through it, or my brothers are still going through it, and I was like I don't know how to help them through it and because I don't feel the same way, I think it's just time.

Speaker 3: 12:41

Everybody goes through it at their own pace. My aunt she lost her son and she still is so devastated about it. My heart just hurts for her. I think it's just you, not that you got over it faster, but you know he Right when they're still going through it.

Speaker 4: 13:07

Yeah, and and you know I'm going to point out and bust on you again like what were you just doing? But you were judging yourself on how you grieve the loss of your dad and judgment is such a dangerous road to go down. And just because you're not still in the grieving process doesn't mean you didn't grieve him and that you didn't love him and that you don't miss him Like you went through it, just, like Crystal said, differently than your siblings, and that's okay, that we're all not going to process emotions the same way or at the same rate and comparing ourselves to others and throwing those should statements in there, like I should still be feeling really bad because he's not here. No, at some point in that grieving process you get to the path of acceptance. And that path of it, that stage of acceptance, is beautiful because you know that your dad is still with you and is still influencing your life in a very beautiful way, that you don't have to cry about it anymore because you know you're comfortable with where you are with his loss. Right.

Speaker 2: 14:37

And I had a good dad. So it was like I always get scared, you know and. But you know what Judgment is a childhood trauma for me? I was taught judgment Like we're all taught judgment right. Great.

Speaker 4: 14:49

Great, it's in school. What are you know A's, b's, c's there, it's judgment and comparison and it's terrible.

Speaker 2: 14:57

And then I grew up in a uh like a Puerto Rican community. We're Puerto Rican and of course, all Puerto Ricans are Catholic. Right, I say we all Spanish, but we go to the Roman Catholic church. It makes sense. I'm just joking. Y'all Go to church, do what you want to do, right, like I believe in belief, but you know I was.

Speaker 2: 15:17

I am gay, proudly, but being a feminine young kid, you're not proud then, because what do people tell you? Going to hell, you're gay, you're going to hell. And I heard it in English, I heard it in Spanish, they told it to me in sign language, I got it in a note they wrote in a Christmas card. Like any way my community could tell me I was going to hell, they did and and, and. So I got that in the middle of like being molested at the same time, and it just caused a lot of shame and a lot of condemnation. Like I condemn myself for everything, you know, even now, like I'm single, and I've been single for a long time, right, and I feel like maybe I got too much trauma to have love, maybe my trauma won't let me love anybody, because it's crazy. You love everyone, though I love everybody, but not everybody loves me back.

Speaker 4: 16:12

And you know what? Because they have their own story going on too, and that is part of the reason, reason why I do what I do, because everybody's story is so different and we all have carried baggage, whether we like it or not. And, um, the I can't tell, just in meeting somebody just like you and the autistic child, you, you don't know, right, like we're not wearing signs saying you know, this is who I am, and here's the bullet points of my story, but that all of that experience of life goes on to form our beliefs, and our beliefs can be empowering or limiting. We get to choose, and it's really those beliefs that are continuing to create emotions, that are driving us to actions that we eventually get the results that we see in our lives. But when we focus on shame or focus on blame, those emotions that are triggered by those beliefs, keeps us stuck and does not allow us to move on, to create amazing things in our lives.

Speaker 2: 17:48

Right, definitely, and I think that's the point. So I say I'm two years into my healing journey? Right, because to me it's like an AA program. Okay, there are steps to this. So I'm two years into this, right, what step are you?

Speaker 4: 18:00

on? What step are you on?

Speaker 2: 18:01

I am on step number 11. Okay, actually, so I am writing a book called Healing Unanonymously Awesome, and it's kind of basically like just an average. I did make it 12 steps and I did that, of course, like being funny, but not being funny, like ironic kind of thing. But I did 12 steps and it's all things that I learned from this podcast, because, just talking to people here, as you see, I talk a lot about myself, but I do it for a reason. This is free therapy. You know what I'm saying? Oh for sure, right, so why not? And then we give the world examples. I don't got to make up no lies.

Speaker 4: 18:41

And then you have guests like me that bust on you during the entire thing, so it's awesome.

Speaker 2: 18:47

You said suppose. If you say suppose one more time, well, but you know what. You said it and it's really dope because you're right. It's like here I am judging her like she should have told him and that's the word should have. But it's like you know, it's like I am Crystal. I love everybody and I give everybody the benefit of the doubt. You know I have this saying compassion is free. Yeah, you know, you get it. I give it to you. It's respect that got to be earned, but compassion is free. You got it. Compassion, trust. I'm the person to come to it, go to shoulder. That's why I hurt now, because too many people lean on it. But I kind of love everybody. But because of that I forget that I am still human and I still do things that are human and I still judge and place judgment, and it's kind of cool. So you taught me that real quick because I thought I had it all together. Like everybody, I'm the newcomer to Christ. I'm just joking. I'm going to edit that part out. I promise I'm just joking. I'm just joking.

Speaker 2: 19:51

Guilt. Guilt is my biggest thing. I don't know how to shake it. It's like I feel guilty about everything and it's because people have made me feel guilty my whole life. I went through a lot of trauma and I say I am the consequence of other people's bad decisions, Every bad decision other people made. I am that consequence. You know, I went through years of abuse, years of molestation and a long period of time and then I've been through ailments.

Speaker 2: 20:14

But I feel like a lot of things that happened to me weren't my choice, you know. Especially, you know, when you're four years old and a grown man decides he wants to pull you in a closet, I don't have no choice to this. But with that came a lot of guilt, especially getting older, because even though things were happening to me that were negative, my body still reacted to it and that's where a lot of guilt or shame came in a little bit, because it's like, hey, this is horrible, I know this is horrible, but why is my body reacting to it? I learned a lot of lessons. I learned that people go through shit.

Speaker 2: 20:53

It's not about me. You know a lot of things that they did to me. They would have done to anybody. If it wasn't me, it would have been another little boy in my place, right, I did learn that lesson. It wasn't about me, but I don't know. It's like I feel guilty about healing, I feel guilty about knowing things, I feel guilty that other people aren't where I am you know I talk to and I also feel guilty that sometimes I just don't want to talk to them because I don't want to hear it.

Speaker 4: 21:20

Yeah, yeah, but you know what? Something I always teach parents is emotions that we experience, like guilt, are coming from our thoughts, and so a circumstance that happens in our lives is neither positive nor negative, it's just neutral, like it's just a fact. It's when we then layer thoughts on to that circumstance that it gets lumped into a category of being something good, remains neutral, or something bad. That thought then leads us to feel, and feelings are, you know, just vibrations in our body that we like your heart rate goes up, you feel flushed, you feel like a pressure in your head, Like all these physical things happen when we're experiencing emotions. And so that guilt, that emotion, is coming from a belief that you hold in your mind.

Speaker 4: 22:37

Now, beliefs can be really simple to spot, and sometimes they're buried deep in our subconscious, because we have been trained to bury them and keep them deep in our subconscious. But the really awesome thing about beliefs is that we have the ability to change them. It takes practice, just like if you picked up a new instrument and started playing a new instrument, you're not going to go play with an orchestra right away. You have to practice that skill before you're ready for the orchestra. That the same deal with beliefs, that you have to practice letting go of a limiting belief and really focus on what you want that new belief to be, so that you're creating the right emotions.

Speaker 4: 23:41

An important thing to do and I would love to hear, micah, if you do this is journaling. Now you said you were writing a book and I don't know if you use that as journaling. But journaling, if you journal, it is a powerful tool to figure out what's going on in your brain, on in your brain, because the more you journal, the more you're going to witness thoughts that go on in your mind and your brain will start to reveal these thoughts that are buried deep in your subconscious, and it's quite awesome when it happens and I think I could do that.

Speaker 2: 24:25

I'm actually genuinely a happy person, even though we you know pre-show we was talking about I had a bad day. I was. I was Hurricane Micah, people at work trying to send me home, right, but no, I quit like 56 times before nine o'clock. That is just sad Like that's.

Speaker 3: 24:43

God, I'm so happy I wasn't there.

Speaker 2: 24:44

I started to sit there and have those come to Jesus moments, Like you could just leave. Like just leave, Like you're marketable, you could find another job. And it wasn't even it wasn't different than any other day, it was just my attitude.

Speaker 3: 25:01

It was.

Speaker 2: 25:06

I wasn't there.

Speaker 3: 25:09

This is not about you. I would have been so much better if I was there.

Speaker 2: 25:11

Go ahead and say suppose I didn't say suppose, oh yeah, sorry, sorry, we'll talk about this after the show.

Speaker 4: 25:20

But you know, what is a really interesting thing about how our brain works is we focus so much on negative things and we forget how many great, wonderful things happen in our crummy, crappy day. And it could be this day full of awesomeness and you get a flat tire and your brain is stuck on the flat tire and how horrible your day was because you got the flat tire and you forget all of this other amazing stuff that happened. There has been a lot of research on gratitude journaling, where you just write down three things that you are grateful for every single day, and they need to be specific. Like I am grateful that I met the autistic kid in the oncology clinic. I am grateful that I got a text message from my brother today. So they need to be very specific your brain to where it's focusing on good things rather than staying stuck and with the focus on that negative flat tire that happened in the day.

Speaker 2: 26:55

So I guess I mentally journal because I do. That's something I do before I go to sleep. If I go to sleep I think about all the like you say amazing things or really good things that happened today, or you know how this was funny or how we made so-and-so laugh. Like I'm really good about, like I have a lot of gratitude. I know my life is, it's pretty crazy. I was thinking about you. I was watching the episode you were in and I'm sorry, I watched like a few things that you were in, but in this part, because I don't remember who it was, I don't remember the episode. I'm sorry, I promise I'll give you credit in the description of the episode, totally fine.

Speaker 2: 27:34

I promise okay, because it was a really good episode. But you guys were talking about, like, how you wouldn't change anything in your life because of the lessons that it taught you, and I'm completely opposite. I got the opportunity to do it all over again and it'd be completely different. I am taking that opportunity Now I'm telling you I've been through a lot of healing. Yeah, and I'm doing okay. I still feel every day it's a journey. You know, some things I feel like I'll never survive. I'll just endure them, you know, because I won't be able to get over them. But in my life there are so many negative things that I've been through, so many lessons that I wish I still didn't know the answers to. You know, it's like I got the answer keys to a lot of things I don't want, and so I think if I had the opportunity to do it differently, I would.

Speaker 4: 28:31

That's so interesting.

Speaker 3: 28:33

Yeah, I'm with you.

Speaker 2: 28:37

And people argue with me all day long well, you wouldn't be who you are. And look how many people you touch. And I get that, I get touch and I get that. I get that and I understand that. But I still want the opportunity to have a different life. If there's like a 1% chance that it could be 1% better, but it could be worse it could be I'm willing to take that chance. My life it couldn't be no worse than what I lived, I promise you. I feel that way. I feel like I don't know about that.

Speaker 4: 29:24

Like you are still here like super proud of where I've been and how far I've come and realizing that growth that happened along the way is I don't know it like lights, my fire to make me want to do more with my life because I can see and understand the possibilities that are out there and how much we are actually really in control that, yeah, things are going to happen but how we experience those things can be really within our control.

Speaker 2: 30:10

Right and trust. I am with you as long as I live, I'm with you. However, if Jesus ever came down, it was like green pill, blue pill. I'm going to have to go with this one. I mean, I appreciate everything you did for me. There's only one thing, one reason I would second guess that, and it's my mom. I would have to be my mom's child so. But as far as my life, I'll trade that shit quick, you know, but I will take a chance to rebuild somewhere else. But my mom is the perfect mom for me. So it was like like why you got to be that way mama, like why you didn't beat me when I was younger. So I could not like you so much and want to trade the life completely, but it was just I love, I kind of I liked, because you and both the hosts kind of said the same thing, like you were both very grateful for your life and trust. I am too. I am too, but there's still. There's some lessons that I'm not grateful for. There are some, but you know I would.

Speaker 4: 31:11

I would love, micah, to meet up with you like five years from now and ask you that same question, like would you still pick that pill that you picked when we had that podcast? Because I wonder if that is the sign that you still have healing to do oh, I know I still do. Once you really truly heal those wounds of your past and realize, like the awesomeness that you're doing now in your life and how it wouldn't have been possible had you not gone through that, that once you get to that place, you, you won't want to trade your life.

Speaker 2: 32:00

You know, a thing that gets me, too, once again goes back to guilt, is that a lot of people did horrible things to me and in return, I think I did a lot of horrible things to people, and there's probably a lot of people in this world that I hurt and who I am today. I can't fathom that I hurt people the way I hurt them. It's like you know it's. It's unacceptable.

Speaker 4: 32:28

But going through that and realizing and experiencing that emotion from the realization like, oh my God, like I hurt so many people. Like it it's similar to what I was saying. Like it it's similar to what I was saying. Like, light your fire, to like do something good and not cause that kind of stress in others in the future and be able to like teach people how hurting others isn't the way to make yourself feel better, because it won't. It'll keep you stuck in this feeling of blah and it'll take years to get over, so don't even go there.

Speaker 2: 33:14

Oh my God, I hope so many people listen to this episode. Did y'all just hear that, like you guys, I'm gonna take another drink. It's ginger ale. No, it's not. No, no, that was really dope. That was really really dope what you said. Okay, but I guess we should go in and talk a little bit about you and your services and what you offer, so that at least people know why they should be calling Dr Maureen.

Speaker 4: 33:41

Yeah, absolutely so. Like I said, I help moms and parents of kids with chronic illness, specifically of moms who have kids with type 1 diabetes. I teach them how to be more resilient in life. I don't bust on them as much as I have busted on you throughout this episode, but the you know, when you find a good coach, a coach is someone who can can hold a mirror up to you and really like reflect back to you what you're putting out into the world so that you can decide how to move forward. And that's what I love about what I do that, yes, I bring my experience of being a physician. I bring my experience of being a mom, but being able to really hold that mirror up to parents and watch as they learn the skills to be able to take a shift in their lives and realize that life with a kid who has health challenges can be amazing and joyful and beautiful, Like their life is not over because their child is not living the life that they thought they were going to live.

Speaker 2: 35:19

How long did it take you to learn that lesson? I feel like for you you're going to be like a little weird, because you're a physician and so it's like you know, but you're still a mom, so did it trump it? I'm sorry, go ahead.

Speaker 4: 35:36

No. So I have had people say to me like well, I'm sure that it was easy for you because when they told you your daughter had neuroblastoma, you knew what that was. And or when you told diagnosed your daughter with diabetes, like you knew what that was, like you weren't ignorant, so it must have been easy for you. And I always say like no wasn't easier, it was different because because I knew what was going to happen, it made my brain go to a different place. That created a whole bunch of angst about what could be happening as she went through surgery and chemo and the whole works. Ignorance sometimes is bliss Absolutely.

Speaker 2: 36:35

I laugh so much because I'm ignorant as hell.

Speaker 4: 36:37

Yeah, and you know, when she was little and we were going through the whole like cancer journey, I went to a really dark place because I didn't want to ask for help, that I felt like I have always wanted to be a mom and if I ask for help that that means I have failed, because I can't handle this job of being a mom and I'm also a doctor, so I should be able to figure this out. And but that created a lot of drama, emotional drama, that it was tough to get out of that kind of dark place and it was. I became very guilt ridden, I was filled with worry, I was resentful. I was resentful. It impacted my kids, it impacted my life at work. It was a mess, but the farther I got away from the diagnosis I naturally things got a little bit better.

Speaker 4: 38:05

When she got diabetes I thought, oh my God, like here we go again. Like how is this possible that you can't be this unlucky in life to have two bad things happen to you? Sure enough, she is that unlucky in life. Um, but the um? I knew I didn't want to go to that dark place, that I had been years earlier. So I became very proactive about taking care of myself because I knew, as a mom, if I didn't take care of myself I wasn't going to be doing my best to take care of my child. And that's how I got over the mom guilt of taking time to do the things that kept me emotionally healthy, like taking time for myself to journal or go talk to a coach or taking time to do a hobby for myself Just a mental break from the chaos and the stress that her illness kind of brought into my life.

Speaker 2: 39:17

And dang, I lost my question that quick. Let me see if I could get it. Oh snap, I want to say did you say drama or trauma, drama, drama? I thought it was really dope that you said that, because, like, there's a difference between the two. So, and then there was something that you said intentional. You used the word intentional earlier and I want to ask you why did you say like intentional? Why did you use it the way you used it?

Speaker 4: 39:43

Yeah Well and I think I use the word intentional quite often when I'm talking to families that I'm helping, because I think the majority of us and I was like this before I really realized all the tools I learned through coaching that we kind of walk through life very unconsciously and we again it goes back to that, like we allow life to happen to us and we're not making these choices that can really impact our future. We're just kind of going with the flow and when you realize you can have a very active role in what your future looks like. The start of that is being intentional about how you think, and intentional thoughts have a great deal of power in our lives.

Speaker 2: 40:54

Right, cool, and now I remember my question right. So did you get to a point where you got over that I can't do it by myself and maybe I need to ask for help? Oh for sure, yes, cool, yeah, okay, I just wanted to make sure because I didn't want to assume, because I was like maybe she still thinks that way. You won't get on me again on this episode, okay.

Speaker 4: 41:15

No, and you know I really like being proactive about my own kind of emotional health I had to figure out like I didn't know how I was going to do it, I just knew I had to do it. And so it was doing things like listening to podcasts and reading books and then figuring out no, I need to go find someone who can really help me. And so, between therapy, between coaching, like got to a very good place. I will comment too, just on, you know, after years of this, After years of this, my kids had always said, like Mom, tell us the story of when Kylie was diagnosed with neuroblastoma, Tell us the story of how you diagnosed her with diabetes. The champades, a book to like document what the stories were, because I'm not going to be around forever, Like I want these stories to like live in history. So I decided I was going to write a book. I then realized, like I said earlier about how stories can really help people, that seeing somebody else's stories can teach us lessons that we can incorporate into our own lives. So the premise of the book shifted and, yeah, there's still stories of it, of my daughter, in the book, but there's also stories about patients I took care of and tips that readers can put into practice in their own lives.

Speaker 4: 43:09

I thought I was going to write this book over the course of a weekend because I'm like, ah, this is easy but realizing, when I sat down to write the book, I had to relive all of these moments in excruciating detail so that the reader understood where my mind was at the time and what I was going through. And that was emotional torture. It's like a solar eclipse coming. I know it is, and the um. It did not take me a weekend because, uh, I went through this uh, emotional, um kind of rollercoaster in writing the book. But when I wrote the last sentence on the book, I closed my laptop and I just started to cry and realized, like holy cow, the amount of healing that I did through reliving these moments and going through this whole process again really allowed me to process emotions and be in such a better place after writing that book. So I you're in the process of it now like just wait, and when you write that last sentence, like be ready to, like be like healed.

Speaker 2: 44:38

This is actually my second book, though I do. I already have one out. You see it, I got one out.

Speaker 3: 44:42

I don't know, you see it.

Speaker 2: 44:44

I got one out. Love, beyond the Battle, it was my journey with cancer. Look, you took off my camera girl.

Speaker 3: 44:50

Oh, did I Number two girl. Sound number two One.

Speaker 2: 44:56

There you go, thanks for showing it, but put it back and don't touch nothing else. You're the producer, ebay. I would have messed up like all the buttons, though, but I did write a book, so I actually. So I had a crazy, a really really crazy experience with cancer, and I had a 7% chance of living, and I had to learn how to love cancer is basically the basis of the book. In order for me to survive it, I had to learn how to love cancer is basically the the basis of the book. Like I, in order for me to survive it, I had to learn to love it, and it was a big lesson in that. So, however, though I thought this book was gonna be like a thousand pages, okay, and it only ended up being like 60, and I was like, oh so, really, it's a pamphlet.

Speaker 3: 45:43

You get a lot out of it. You do get a lot out of it.

Speaker 2: 45:48

But when I wrote it it was like, wow, I don't even know how long it's going to take people to read this. And then someone wrote a review and they're like I read it in one train ride and I was like you bitch, what you mean in one train ride. But no, not really. I'm sorry.

Speaker 4: 46:07

Was that you judging one of your readers?

Speaker 2: 46:10

One of my readers. No, I'm thankful that you bought it and that you read it and that you was able to read it in one train ride. I guess that's a positive thing. That means you didn't put the book down. Right, exactly, okay, okay, right, exactly, okay, okay. There you go. How long is your train ride, baby? So you have a book out. What is?

Speaker 4: 46:31

the name of the book. The book is called Reclaiming Life a guide for parents of chronically ill children.

Speaker 2: 46:39

Okay, now we want an autographed copyright. We'll pay for it, but I still want an autograph, no problem. Okay, cool, and I'm going to send you a pillow. I'm just going to give you my disclaimer it may take you like six months to get the pillow, but it's coming. Okay, yo, I am people. No music, right. People listen to the radio and they sing songs and you know it's like Beyonce. I know now she's got this country album and it's like this big. You know it's everywhere and it's all anybody's talking about. And I'm like when the fuck do y'all got time to listen to music? When do you have time to memorize songs, like? If you're doing that, then there is something you is not doing right in your life and you need to get it together right, because you know it's like going to the gym. People be like oh, you can find time, and I'd be like here, go my schedule, find me some time. Right, if you can find me time, I will hire you right now.

Speaker 3: 47:43

I thought you were supposed to get up at three in the morning to go to the gym. Right, I will have to get up. We love sleep.

Speaker 2: 47:50

It's great. What do you have? I know that's so random. She was like dang got nothing to do with what we're talking about. I just want to know people, I just want to know. But, um, okay, now there are a lot of parents out there of of children that are ill, sick, chronic illness but to me I feel like a common code can cause a parent like extreme trauma not trauma, drama, drama, yeah, but you know I like that. So, um, you know crystal would think it needs to hear kind of this message too.

Speaker 2: 48:23

She is a great mom, but because she is a great mom, she sacrifices a lot. I grew up with a mom who sacrificed everything for us. It's the worst thing that I could have ever seen. I wish I saw my mom chase her dreams. I wish I saw my mom do the things that she wanted to do. All I ever saw her was give up everything for everybody else's happiness. Now, what do I do? Give up everything for everybody else's happiness, right? So Crystal is like that kind of person. I just wanted to tell you that because sometimes I want her to hear your message about having to. You just have to take care of yourself, like you can't take care of your child if you're not taking care of yourself? Right.

Speaker 4: 49:06

And you know, the other important thing is what you just highlighted is we, as moms, think that if we continue to give and give and give and and not follow our dreams, that we're doing a great thing for our kids.

Speaker 4: 49:26

But it's actually just the opposite that we're teaching our kids not to chase their dreams, and that is not a lesson that I want my kids to learn. I want my kids to learn that anything is possible and what they have on their mind they can make reality by taking the steps to go chase it. Looking to a mom who never did that does not put the tools in place to allow them to achieve those dreams. It's similar to what I was saying earlier just about when we were talking about the kid in the office and communicating the mom's diagnosis with the child that that mom if she was able to tell him how she was feeling or what was going on being vulnerable with your child teaches them a tremendous lesson in life and we miss those. We try to protect them or try to keep our kids safe and give them an example that doesn't show them that they can achieve anything that they want.

Speaker 2: 50:54

Right Now Crystal does really good. I mean her girl they talk about too much. Sometimes I'd be like girl you and Stas, don't talk about that with them. We're very open, they are, they are. I couldn't get her to go see Kelly Clarkson with me in Vegas and I'm still her. And her reason was because I have an eight-year-old.

Speaker 3: 51:12

Whatever, I can't leave my eight-year-old.

Speaker 2: 51:15

Whatever?

Speaker 3: 51:17

Girl and I'm scared of planes, and now I ain't even going over a bridge.

Speaker 2: 51:27

No more Virginia Beach for me. See, you know what you're doing. That's a whole bunch of drama, whole bunch of drama, whole bunch. I thought you were going to call me a new word and y'all about to hear about this drama. Okay, mary J say no more drama. I'm sorry, crystal, like sits directly across from me, we gotta build a wall or something, because we do?

Speaker 3: 51:46

we look at each other and I'm like oh taught, growing up is when somebody's speaking, you look at their face. You look at them yes, so we end up looking at each other and then we realize, and then we realize it, you're recording here, People are watching.

Speaker 2: 52:02

you Watch her.

Speaker 4: 52:04

But it works when Crystal shuts the camera off and has little technical glitches.

Speaker 2: 52:12

You know what I thought I liked you for a minute Before we go and close out. Is there anything that we didn't give you an opportunity to tell our audience Because Crystal wouldn't shut up?

Speaker 4: 52:45

your own and it is all going to be okay, even if you're in the middle of something super challenging right now. That it will be okay. You just need to continue to take those steps forward and ride that roller coaster and you'll get to the end of the ride, right?

Speaker 3: 53:01

And to know you're not alone. Yeah, absolutely Right. And to know you're not alone.

Speaker 2: 53:04

Yeah, absolutely Absolutely. I know you were listing things earlier that people should start and I wanted to interject and be like healing. Healing is something people need to start too. Yeah, this world is broken and that's why I'm never going to have kids. Right, I can't see bringing kids into this world. And then I kind of been too sick and I got weird DNA so I'm like I wouldn't do that to a child anyway. But really I'm like there's a man walking around New York City smacking women. That's the world we live in.

Speaker 4: 53:40

But it's realizing first that the individual needs to realize they need healing, and so it's that realization that has to come first. I mean, it's similar to what you were saying about treating people badly in your kind of prior life, that you're not going to change that behavior if you don't think there's anything wrong with it. So it first has to become this awareness that it is something that needs to be changed and then take the steps to be able to heal and change how the actions are.

Speaker 2: 54:23

Definitely and I'm very intentional now Trust Everything I do is intentional. Even my attitude today was intentional.

Speaker 3: 54:32

I wasn't there.

Speaker 2: 54:34

So Crystal went on vacation and left me for like 10 days, okay.

Speaker 4: 54:39

She's never going to do that again.

Speaker 2: 54:43

Oh yes, I had a granddaughter.

Speaker 4: 54:45

My new grandbaby, congratulations.

Speaker 3: 54:49

That's awesome. I had a patient named Aria Stark, because her name's Aria and they told me I was crazy.

Speaker 2: 54:56

Like Game of Thrones or something Lord.

Speaker 3: 54:59

Her name's A Arya that's beautiful.

Speaker 2: 55:02

Beautiful, it's alright. I don't like it. What they should have named her is Micah. Okay, I think Micah is beautiful. Next one look, it's beautiful for a girl, micah. Have you guys watched Truth Be Told on Apple, on Apple TV?

Speaker 2: 55:19

no it's actually. It's funny. It's a show about a podcast, like a crime podcast, but it was a woman up there named Micah and I thought it was like her role was so dope and I was like Micah was a good name for her. It was, micah was a good name, dr Maureen. We thank you so so much for coming on. Um, I think everything you said is incredible. Uh, I'm gonna get your book right, but I've told you we're gonna have to work it out because I need your autograph.

Speaker 2: 55:50

You know, you know something that says like to the best podcaster I ever met my stuff you know who still has healing to do, but will one day appreciate the life he was given.

Speaker 4: 56:03

I have it down, no worries, micah.

Speaker 2: 56:05

I gotcha, suppose, suppose. Oh, I do have a question, though, right? So in this situation I had with the little boy on Friday, my biggest issue was talking to him in general. You know, it's like he's not my child. I don't know him, I don't know why he's speaking child. I don't know him, I don't know why he's speaking to me. I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to get cursed out by his mama, because then I'm going to curse out back, right, because I'm tipsy, tat. So. But no like. In a situation like that, is it smart to talk to a person or smart to talk?

Speaker 3: 56:38

You could have changed his life.

Speaker 2: 56:40

I don't know. You know he came up and he was telling me. He started telling about that and finally, you know, he was like he ate his mom again and my best response was I think she's doing the best she can, right, you know, I think she's doing the best she can. And so he kind of just started telling me things. And then he was autistic and he had to take special classes and you know, he kind of just went into a lot of stuff and then he was talking so much that when his mom went to go see the doctor, I told you he just wouldn't leave. He was like nope, I'm going to stay right here. And she's like I don't know. And I'm like, trust, I don't want him. And not because he's autistic, just because I don't want kids, right, kids right, um. But so we talked a lot. We talked a lot. It was really funny, though, um, so she was gone.

Speaker 2: 57:22

I'm gonna say maybe about 30 minutes longest conversation I ever had with a seven-year-old who it shocked the hell out of me like the way he got articulate his thoughts, you know it just like it had me thinking about like how I'm over here ruining my nieces and nephews with things. I tell them, like I'm just gonna be honest them, they better never ask me if Santa Claus is real. They better not. I'm sorry, I apologize to my family in advance, but if you got a younger child, don't let them talk to me about the Easter.

Speaker 3: 57:51

Bunny, I don't have to bring Kelsey to you. What?

Speaker 2: 57:55

It's a lie, your mama lying to you. But at the end of the situation, when she came and got him, they both left and she thanked me and I actually gave him my card. I had a business card on me and I was like, hey, don't call me because I don't answer the phone, but you can text Anytime you want to. You can text, right, I can answer the text, but I'm always busy, I never have time to talk on the phone. So he, so he left and he came back in and he says I get so angry, what do I do? My answer just do the best that you can. Like I didn't know what else to say do the best that you can. But to me it was such a like should I have had that conversation with a person? I didn't, with a seven year old?

Speaker 3: 58:37

I didn't know you said should I?

Speaker 2: 58:39

I said should I? Again, like literally right. I didn't say you should, I said should I? It's a question.

Speaker 4: 58:47

Right and you know that how you acted in the moment was the right way you should have acted, because life happens exactly the way it's supposed to. Life happens exactly the way it's supposed to and hearing you talk about it like it, I don't think you realize or maybe you do just how much that experience impacted you. I am sure it helped that mom, because that conversation that you had with the child kept him engaged in something so that he's not bored and she's telling him, like you're driving me batty, like go sit on the floor, especially when she's on her way to see her oncologist Right.

Speaker 2: 59:37

No, her mind is ready.

Speaker 4: 59:40

And you also helped that kiddo Now how much he really like understands about how to do the best you can. Who knows, because I don't know um, his specific like developmental, um, problems, um, and challenges, but that interaction that's amazing and beautiful and I wouldn't think twice about it. Now, if you experience something like that again, you can handle it the same exact way. If a parent is going to be uncomfortable with you talking to their child, they'll make that known by doing things like okay, johnny, come on, come on over, leave that man alone. Or nope, you're not talking to him, they will, they'll get the look.

Speaker 2: 1:00:43

Yeah, you ain't got to do it rude. I'm just saying in advance if you out there and anybody starts talking to me, trust, I don't want them, I won't take them home. Don't be rude about it. You can just be like don't talk to them, I'm good, I promise I'm going to stop. I follow directions really, really well, because nowadays people want to pull out guns and knives and stuff like that. So just a disclaimer, okay.

Speaker 4: 1:01:06

And if you're ever nervous, like just ask the parent and say do you mind if I chat?

Speaker 2: 1:01:14

to your child. And I looked at the mom and she was in tears and it was like, oh, I don't even you know cause her son is saying he hated her To me. I had to feel like that had to be, you know.

Speaker 4: 1:01:24

And then he said it twice and I was like that's what I was like, okay, maybe I need to say something, you know, but no, I look at her, she's in tears and I'm like too just to kind of comment on that is that kids, especially kids with autism, who are socially, they're at a social age that is different than their chronological age, and so I am sure that mom that wasn't the first time that she has heard those statements from her child.

Speaker 4: 1:02:19

But one of the things that I often say to parents and remind them is you know, sometimes kids say mean things to us as parents because they're frustrated or angry or stressed, and it's our job as a parent to number one, not take it personally, because that's how they're responding to their emotions. Number two, teach them a better way to respond to their emotions. And then three, like in private, kind of be grateful for allowing the opportunity of teaching them about emotions and their ability to tell you that you're the worst mom ever, because it shows you that they know that you're going to love them no matter what, and them saying that you can actually, in your mind, realize that it's their way of being comfortable with you, not that they're truly angry with you, it's that they're able to kind of let their guard down because they love you as a mom.

Speaker 2: 1:03:47

Right, and I think just to add on to that, in order to teach your kids that you got to know it yourself. Oh, 110%.

Speaker 4: 1:03:56

Yes. Which is exactly why I spend time taking care of and teaching parents, because you're never going to be able to do it to your kids if you don't know how to do all of this stuff yourself.

Speaker 2: 1:04:14

Definitely, definitely, and I think that's a perfect place to end it. Crystal, did you want to give anything to our people? No no Crystal's. Like I'm tired. I just got in from Tennessee 16 hours.

Speaker 3: 1:04:27

Oh my goodness okay.

Speaker 2: 1:04:29

Well, you have a bad day, okay, but anyway, we thank you so much for being on. We thank you guys for watching and we'll see you next week bye love and blessings on.

Speaker 5: 1:04:59

We thank you guys for watching and we Wednesday bringing you brand new episodes filled with stories, advice and perspectives to help you handle those fucking feelings. So set a reminder on your calendar, grab your headphones and join us every week. And if you're interested in exploring more ways to deal with life's stresses, make certain to tune in to our sister podcast, trauma is expensive. Dive deep into discussions on managing trauma, building resilience and fostering healing, with new episodes dropping every Monday. Make sure to subscribe, rate and comment on both podcasts on your favorite podcast platform. Remember, each comment and rating can catapult us further towards reaching those individuals who could really use our discussions. Your feedback is invaluable. Before we close, we want to remind you that discussing feelings is never a sign of weakness but a display of courage. Stay brave, stay strong and keep feeling those fucking feelings Until next week. Take care and keep the conversation going.